Vampire Problems
by Lucilia Venom
Summary: Skulduggery and Valkyrie are kidnapped... by Calean! Read to find out what happens. Thank you to my friend josh who helped me with this a little bit. Introduction for my own character ; Lucilia Venom. VALDUGGERY! All characters except Lucilia Venom belong to Derek Landy.
1. Emotional Torture

**Vampi****r****e Problems**

**Chapter 1: Emotional Torture**

The women smiled evilly. 'Oh brother, dear, come and see _your_ long lost Valkyrie Cain.'

A man entered the room. He was tall and slender, graceful and well built. A blanket of hair was on top of his head, the fringe covering one of his dark eyes, which were black as night, to match his hair. He looked around about nineteen. The gracefulness in which he walked with could only belong to a jungle cat, or a... vampire! Valkyrie gasped in surprise as she realised who he was.

_No, _she thought, _it, it couldn't be. He's dead, I killed him. Me and Fletcher, we killed him, after he attacked me. But it is him. It is Calean. Well tension is gonna be thick around here. _She glanced around and noticed that skulduggery was no longer tied up in an identical chair next to her. _ Especially since Skulduggery's gone._ She was jolted out of her thoughts as the chair tipped over, probably a result of Calean getting mad when she forgot about him and started thinking. Now she could barely think. She had probably banged her head on the floor. Suddenly, something started dragging her across the stone, cold, bare floor.

She let out a small grunt as someone roughly undid the bonds tying her to the chair. Suddenly, she felt a sharp, terrible pain in her arm. She knew that Calean had stabbed her but she didn't scream. All that she registered was more pain in too many places to mention, and then she started to welcome the pain-numbing unconsciousness.

* * *

Skulduggery banged his fist on the wall that separated him and the tortured and bleeding Valkyrie. He cursed himself for not checking whether he was bound or not. They had tried to make him break down by making him watch Valkyrie being hurt constantly through bullet proof glass. It had, shamefully, worked. Now that he was thinking clearly he tried to ignite a spark in the palm of his curled hand and it worked. He then blasted open the metal door, and screamed. Valkyrie was being held by Calean, who, for his part, was biting her neck. He watched for an age, but he then saw Valkyrie's body go limp and charged at the vampire. To his surprise he ran straight through them both. Valkyrie sat up a little and mouthed the words 'trap door. Floor. Pink.' She then pointed to herself and mouthed 'hologram' then disappeared. He looked down at the multi coloured tiles, searching for the pink one. Ten minutes later he found it, went to alert his partner and be egotistic, then realised that she wasn't here to playfully hit his arm. He stepped on the tile and applied pressure, a moment later it rumbled and slid away, showing a steep stairway made of bleak, grey, uninviting stone. He slowly began to make his way down.

Skulduggery walked into stank, damp room. On a pile of straw lay Valkyrie Cain. Dark eyes bloodshot, hair matted with sweat, breathing shallow and quick and, worst of all, a massive gaping hole in her neck. It was obviously a fight to stay conscious, but Valkyrie managed it. She wasn't bound, but she couldn't escape. Her legs, feet, arms, hands and hip were broken. Her left shoulder blade was shattered, as was her right ankle. Her protective coat was gone, discarded in the corner of the room.

Just then, Calean casually strolled through the door opposite to the one skulduggery was standing in front of.

'Oh' was all Calean could say before Skulduggery threw two twin streams of fire at him. Calean roared in anguish and began making his way over to Valkyrie. Before he could cover the distance between them, though, Skulduggery had shot him in the neck. Calean tut-tutted in a raspy voice, prepared to pounce, but Skulduggery had already summoned the powers of the sea. Calean was putting up a valiant struggle, and had managed to stay above the water until it receded. He stood up, limping slightly, and hobbled over to Skulduggery, who was bent over in pain and tiredness. Using that amount of magic was starting to take its toll. Calean picked up a rock and just as he was about to hit the detective on the head with it, a crowbar came out of nowhere and knocked him unconscious.


	2. Meeting Lucilia Venom the Mad

Meeting **Lucilia Venom** the** Mad!**

**A/N**

**Hello people, I'm here with a general bit of craziness, as per usual. Now, I'm being good with updating, so you need to review, please. If you don't, I'll leave you in suspense after this chapter. Or, maybe I'll make Fletcher beat up Skulduggery. Y'all won't like that will ya? Aw man, Sanguine's speech pattern is stuck in my head! Anyway, I'm ignoring the fact that Tanith is an evil remnant. In this chapter my oc Lucilia Venom is introduced. You may have noticed that I deleted my last second chappie, I didn't like it. Now on with the story! And thanks to anyone who reviewed!**

**Spiderman never fails, slush puppies with extra ice and stinging nettles ~ Lucilia Venom.**

Skulduggery looked up to his saviour. What he saw was a girl of around Valkyries age (15), with long waist length hair that was white, pearly white, not old people white, with lilac highlights. Her eyes were a deep ocean blue and in her hand she held a golden crowbar that curved into a sword tip at the end. Her skin was fairly pale and her arms were muscled like Tanith's. She wore a tight, lilac waist length jacket that hung open revealing a tight white t-shirt and tight lilac trousers with vibrant electric blue knee-high leather cowboy boots. She could pass off as normal if it wasn't for the dark green, venomous snake, which coiled all the way around her arm from her shoulder to the tip of her middle finger. The bright red fez with a blue eye on and the word Turkiye didn't help either, nor did the crowbar she had now hung on her belt loop. Her face had three massive claw slashes from her right eye to the end of the left side of her face. The girl was, to put it simply, a complete and utter crackpot.

"Lucilia Venom," the girl said in a heavy welsh, sing-song accent, "the pleasures all yours. Now then since she," Lucilia gestured lazily to Valkyrie, "is slowly bleeding to death, I'll go get my friend to fetch the hambulance, back in a sec. Oh, and you're Skulduggery Pleasant the egotistical skeleton detective. Mr. Pleasant, can I call you Skulduggery? Course I can and you can call me Lucy. See I think we've become friends already. We've used the killing of Calean to become friends. That's wonderful, don't you think? Anyway," Lucy continued, before he could answer even one of her many questions," what shall I fetch? Elevan or Hambulance?"

"Uhh" Skulduggery said, stuck for words for once in his life.

"You're right, Hambulance it is."

She went away for a minute, next to the door, up the steps, and then abruptly stopped halfway up. A high-pitched whistling sounded through the passage way, followed by a small squeaking noise. Skulduggery looked towards the direction of the door, and watched in confusion as Lucy came through followed by a massive Hamster with a stretcher in his mouth.

"This," she said smugly, "is Hammy the Hambulance, the leader of his colony and best hamster trained in medical assistance in the world! Hambulance, please tend to Valkyrie Cains wounds. Now, put down the stretcher, while I get a few nurses to help."

With that she strode by, her long powerful legs quickly getting her to her destination. A couple of minutes later she re-appeared with about five Hambulances.

"Get to work. Sammy," She said pointing each one as she told them their jobs, "Slow the flow of blood from her neck, you too, Pam." She pointed to the other three. "You three, mend the broken bones. Sammy, Pam, when you're done get Hammy over so he can bandage her neck. When you three are finished," she said pointing to the others whom Hammy was helping at the moment, "When you're done let Hammy check over her and heal the cuts and bruises, the black eyes and stop the headache and sickness. When he is done look over her as a check-up, if you see anything wrong, fix it, or if it's anything big, report to Hammy. Big means like a stab wound, a bleeding cut spitting out lots of blood etc."

She looked around triumphantly.

"Chop, chop. Hurry up now. We've got a live to save here, people!"

When Valkyrie awoke she was in a strange room, a room she didn't recognise or hadn't ever entered before. Last thing she remembered was her a Skulduggery going out on a case, getting captured and then- then Calean! She gasped and visibly started shaking she gasped and tears fell at the memories.

Suddenly, the room door opened and their stood Skulduggery, immaculately dressed as always.

"Calean!" she gasped, between the tears.

Skulduggery rushed over and hugged her curled up form close. She cried into his shirt for a while before pulling back and giving him a weak, watery-eyed smile.

"I've ruined your shirt." She stated plainly.

"Yes, you have." Skulduggery replied. "But that doesn't matter now. All that matters is you realise you're save, and Calean is dead."

She smiled genuinely.

"How?" she asked.

"Hit over the head with a poisonous crowbar."

She smiled and sunk back into the pillow, embracing the welcoming sleep.


	3. Short Chappie that I dunno what to name

**Short chappie because I was bored.**

**Hey, so I've just come back from holiday, no internet grr. Anyhow, I wrote this in the car on my way back from France. If anyone is interested, I stayed in Mar Estang, in a luxury caravan, at the very south of France, right in front of Spain! I had to drive their from south-east Wales, it took two days, so yeah, a lot of time to write. P.S. the time in this one is before chapter three, when their fixing Valkyrie. Now, enjoy, read, review eat mouldy bread and breathe.**

**Spider-man, slush puppies with extra ice and stinging nettles ~ Lucilia Venom.**

As soon as Valkyrie was fixed, Lucilia Venom whistled twice. A medium sized, grey elephant came down the steps. On the leathery skin of his right side, a bright yellow door was painted. Lucilia tapped it once and the door became solid and swung open, revealing not insides, organs and bones, but a blood red, carpet floor with intricate gold designs spiralling across it, a deep crimson ceiling with more gold intricate patterns, and gold walls with red intricate patterns. There were four recliners around the walls (that went gold, red, gold, red) a dark-brown, wooden, antique shelf that jutted out from the front of the room and a brown, dark wood, antique Dining table in the middle.

"This," Lucy said proudly, "is Elevan. Now, Hammy put Valkyrie on the stretcher and put the stretcher in Elevan, on the shelf. You can travel with her, just in case, while me and Skulduggery ride Caraffe. All other animals back to your herds at home."

With that she whistled three times and a brown and yellow giraffe appeared in the doorway, after the other animals had left. The giraffe was strong, sleek and agile. The giraffe had the same painting as the elephant, but it was on her left and was dark, vibrant purple.

"How do you want to travel?" She asked the giraffe.

"Mmmph" the giraffe replied.

"Okay, Daphne wants me to ride on her back and you inside." Lucy said, before tapping the door. She stepped back as it solidified and swung open.


	4. Thank yous

**Thank yous.**

**Yeah, yeah. It's not an actual chapter, sue me.**

**Thank you:**

**Lostchild511**

**Pyano Phez**

**For favouriting my story.**

**Violet Flame 8**

**Scarlett Blood 15**

**Joeycorleone**

**For reviewing.**

**Piper Anne Jones**

**Scarlett Blood 15**

**Violet Flame 8**

**For following my story.**

**You all made me sooooo happy, so keep being awesome. Sorry about the lack of Valduggery. It just didn't fit.**

**Spider-man never fails, slush-puppies with extra ice and stinging nettles ~ Lucilia Venom, the organic cooking sauce lover.**


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